Once in a while a muso should laugh at HIMSELF!
Okay, here are some great jokes but be warned... you may not appreciate or understand the humour unless you're a muso !
First of all there is the drummer...
How can you tell that a Drummer is knocking at your door? The knock keeps speeding up!
How many Drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They
have machines that can do that now, too !
How many Drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? ? Just one, so long as a roadie
gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him!
What do you call a Drummer with half a brain? Gifted!
What did the Drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool!
What do you call the annoying guy that hangs out with the musicians? The Drummer!
The drummer of a band was admiring the way that the guitarist was practising.
The guitarist said "It's easy man, all yo gotta du is git yorzelf a geetar an' zum
plectrums and then jezz practise" "Really?" said the drummer.The next day
the drummer walks into a shop and says "I wanna buy a guitar and two dozen of your
best plectrums please and spare no cost" "Okay" said the man behind the
counter "but tell me - you're a drummer aren't you!" "Yeah" said the
drummer really quite flabbergasted but starting to swell with pride. "er... how did
you know?" "Oh" said the man behind the counter - "this is a butchers
shop"!
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Good to hear they can do something useful.
2. One, but only after asking "Why ?"
What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?....homeless.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?....Yep you guessed it
A lady goes into the deli and asks for some
musicians' brains for an exotic dish. "Certainly Madam. What sort would you
like?"
"I don't know - how much do they
cost?"
"Well" says the assistant "We
have guitarists' brains at $5 for 25gms, bass players' at $10, and singers' brains at
$25." He then turns to a padlocked fridge and says, "and in there we have
drummers' brains at $150 for 25gms".
"Wow!" exclaims the lady, why are
drummers' brains so expensive?"
"Lady, do you know how many drummers you
need to get 25gms!?"
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides
to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store,
walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there
and that accordion."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK,
you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
A man goes to the doctor and says he wants to have the operation to be a bass player.
The doctor explains all the risks and how the operation involves removal of a section of
brain tissue. The man insists and the operation goes ahead, but there is a problem. The
surgeon goes to see him as he's having his first solid food after the operation.
"I'm sorry" says the surgeon. "We made a mistake
and took too much out."
"That's OK, Gov" says the man. "Hey, you get a
good sound, banging on these hospital plates."
If you're stuck for a parking spot in the city, just throw a pair of drumsticks on the dash and park in the disabled zone !!
Then there is the bass player
What's the difference between a Bass(ist) and a
chainsaw? ? You can tune to a chainsaw.
Did
you hear the one about the Bassist being arrested for assault outside the bar? ? He was
beating up this guy who had detuned one of his bass strings and wouldn't tell him which
one.
What's the difference between a
bass and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on the
trampoline.
The setting is a bar. A gentleman in a tweed jacket turns to the man occupying the stool beside him (who had
spent the previous 5 minutes in conversation with a co-worker) and says:
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but to overhear you talking with your friend. I noticed that you seemed to speak with great authority on a variety of topics: sub-atomic particle physics, Chaucer's use of references to French legends in his work, the prospects for rationalization of International Monetary Fund lending policies towards Russia. If you don't mind my asking, what is your IQ?"
"Why, my IQ is 185," he responds.
"That's fascinating! My IQ is 187!"
The two men decide to have lunch together, and walk out of the bar joking in french.
Two other men sitting a little further down the bar witness this scene and one turns to the other:
"Didja see that?"
"Yeah. Pretty neat.... What's your IQ?"
"44."
"No way! Mine's 42! What kinda bass strings do you use?"
Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in the car ?
It took the singer 2 hours to get the drummer
out !
Q : What's the best thing to throw a drowning bass player ?
A : His amp !
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
"Bass solo."
How about the good old guitarist
How can you get a rock Guitarist to TURN DOWN! ? ? Put sheet music in front of him.
How
can you make him shut up completely? ? Put anything more than whole notes on it.
How
do you get two Lead Guitarists to play in unison or play in tune? ? Shoot one.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a guitarists car? ? Remove the Pizza Delivery sign.
What's the definition of an Optimist? ? A Death Metal guitarist with a mortgage.
What do a guitar solo and premature
ejaculation have in common?
You know it's coming and there's nothing you
can do about it.
How many guitar players does it take to
paper a room?
Three, if you slice them thin enough.
There's a guitarist and a manager standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you
run over first?
The manager - Business before pleasure.
What's the best sound you can make with a guitar?
Splash
And why shoud the singer get away with it?
How can you tell if a Singer is knocking at your door?
? He never knows when to come in.
How
many Lead Singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? ? Just One. He stands in the
middle of the room with the bulb raised above his head, and the entire world revolves
around him.
How
many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to
change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
Why don't singers have to use toilet paper ?
Coz God made them perfect arseholes
What's the difference between a puppy and a
singer ?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many singers does it take to change a
light bulb?
Only one. He holds the bulb and the world
revolves around him.
How do you get a vocalist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.
How do you tell if the singer's dead?
He hasn't touched his beer all evening.
Accordion Jokes
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one
lands first?….Who cares?
What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What's an accordion good for? Learning how to fold maps.
Bagpipes
Why do bagpipe players march when they play? 1. To try to get away from the sound. 2. It's
harder to hit a moving target.
Record Producer
How many producers
does it take to change a light bulb?
..hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
One day the musicians for a rather large recording session were assembling at a studio.
Everyone had ther headphones on, the session was close to getting underway, and the
producer of the session came over the talkback system and said, "Okay I need to have
total silence! Just then the drummer on the session played a big Barumdum Crash! To which
the record producer replied, "Okay who did that?"
A musician who's spent his
entire life trying to break into the big time is feeling very depressed. He's been
rejected by every record company in the country. No-one seems to recognize his unique
genius.
So he dreams up a plan to get back at everyone who rejected him all his life. He goes into
a Recording Studio and tells the engineer to record exactly what he says. He tells the
engineer to then copy it onto 1000 CDs and send them out to all the Record Execs.
He goes into the Vocal Booth, the red light goes on, and he begins:
"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards who've ignored me all
these years. I dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and
all you fuckers do is trash my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well,
I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to
it!!! See you in hell, you murderers of Art!!"
With that, he pulls out a gun and sprays his brains all over the studio.
The sound engineer glances up
and says "Okay. That's good for a level.Wanna go for a take this time?"
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One, two, one, two, one two, ....
2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original
apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to
bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from
where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Bodhran Jokes
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist? Terrorists have
sympathisers.
What's the best thing to play a bodhran with? A Stanley knife
General musicians
What happens if you play blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes
back to life, and you get out of prison.
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the GrimReaper in the
back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he
must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind
them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western
musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The
second musician says ``I was a jazz musician...kill me now!''
What does new age music sound like played backwards? New age music.
Whats the difference between a frog and a trombone player who are both going up the M4 to
London? The frog has a gig.
What will it take to reunite The Beatles?
Three more bullets.
What would Jimi Hendrix doing, if he were alive today?
Clawing at the lid of his coffin.
